My First Break Down . . . What I like to call "The 15 Day Give Up"

I have been posting on Facebook but haven't really used this blog in a really long time. Today in particular I really  need to write down how I'm doing to show how far I've come. I am on the third week of Turbo Fire with Chalene Johnson and oh man is it hard but to this point I've been able to follow the schedule without problem. I've lost some inches (nothing super substantial but still good).

Now the reason for the title. I am famous for the 15 day give up. I did the 30 day shred twice or attempted it at least and only made it 15 days both times. I am finding I hit that point and then don't see the huge results I would like and I give up discourage and mentally blocked. I know most of the time it's all mental, my body can physically do it but my brain just gets defeated and therefore I totally give up. And guess what? today I'm creeping up on the 15 day mark.

Today was the first day that I physically just couldn't do what I wanted to with my workout. I was really pushing it, doing the High Intensity Interval Training 15 minute video and they do what is called a "fire drill" and I got through the first and started to almost hyperventilate I was so out of breath. I broke down, stopped the video and started bawling. I am very Type A and when there's something I want to be able to do but can't I get really  mentally blocked. I hit a wall, tried to calm myself down but just needed a good cry. Spencer tried to encourage me which was sweet but for some reason with him its hard to feel it. I know he's trying but when people who are skinny and never have to work a day to stay that way I just feel like they don't know how hard this is. Not his fault of course and I don't want him to stop encouraging me because it helps, it really does but at the moment I just couldn't use it to motivate me, in fact it made me more mad. Again not his fault just my mental state at the time.

I've joined a couple groups as of late on Facebook and so I got on two of them and posted about how I needed help because I am just so defeated and I loved the responses I got. One of them reminded me of a quote that I heard in a talk at church one Sunday. I believe it was from my friend Amy Nelson. It went along the lines of "In life there are going to be big boulders in our way (obstacles) you can either think of them as road blocks or stepping stones up to where you want to be." I may have totally misquoted but it was something along those lines.

Tracey, the woman in my group said this: "It is hard, but totally doable! And you're right, all you can do is try and only you know if you are putting in 100% of your effort. I climbed a waterfall in Jamaica when I was over 300 lbs and after the second slippery rock I wanted to turn back, but that wasn't an option. So I just focused on the next rock I needed to climb, and once I was on that rock I focused on the next. I did that about a billion times, and before I knew it I was at the top of the waterfall. That experience was a good lesson for me on how to take things one step at a time. Just get through today's workout, that is the only slippery rock you need to focus on right now. YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THIS!!! :):):)"

I start bawling when I read it because it helped me get up, brush myself off, wipe away the tears and do it. I did my workout after such a mental block I felt like I just couldn't do it. And I feel AWESOME! All the women are so encouraging in my group and I hope to be able to get past the 15 day mark and finish the full 20 weeks. That in itself would just be a HUGE accomplishment for me. I need to do this and I want that "After" picture once and for all. If you read this far I hope this helps you too. Thanks!

 

Some Tips I am Finding Helpful . . .

A few tips from the Skinny Rules that I am using today that are so awesome, I figured I'd share:

1. Writing everything down. From taking my vitamins, to eating a meal, to the exercise I write down the time I did it. Also helps to remind me to eat snacks and all that.

2. Set an alarm on my phone to remind me to eat meals and snacks. I am the worst about eating snacks especially and letting time lapse on meals so I am eating lunch at like 2:30 or 3:00 in the afternoon.

3. A great tip for making sure you drink enough water: I got a plastic pitcher with a tap on it from Walmart earlier this year (I actually bought two but one was Large and one was small) I used the small one, measured out the 8 1/2 ozs I needed to drink of water put it in, then sliced up a whole lemon into slices and threw those in, put it in the fridge and made a goal of drinking the whole thing by the end of the day. I don't know about you but I hate drinking so much water and unless it's cold it tastes gross to me, a little lemon for flavor and voila! If you are going to be out and about grab an empty water bottle and fill it from the tap and it's nice and cold.

4. Have snacks already made, pre-measure and make up snacks so that they are ready to grab and eat when your alarm goes off. Slice up fruit like strawberries and measure a cup. Ziploc has these fun litttle snack sized baggies that you can pre-measure and bag up those things so you can grab and go.

5. Make working out fun by calling it playtime. After breakfast this morning the boys and Corinne and I went on a walk with the stroller. Gavin rode his bike. We have a loop around a water catchment that is good for a dog park. I had Gavin ride behind me and play "chase" to see how fast he could go and keep me going at a good pace. I went around 3 times and then Gavin didn't want to ride anymore so we went and got my exercise balance ball and the boys rolled and kicked that in the field/catchment and we were out playing for an hour! I didn't even realize we had been outside that long until my alarm for snacktime went off. Making exercise fun helps you forget how long you're going for.

6. Taking prenatal vitamins and Flaxseed Oil capsules: ok so this isn't necessarily from the book but it's a good thing to practice. I have been breastfeeding and haven't taken prenatals despite the fact that my body really needs the extra vitamins to help with what Corinne is taking from me. I also have been researching that flaxseed or flaxseed oil is good for balancing your insulin levels. I have PCOS and insulin resistance so anything that can help with this is great for me. I also read that while breastfeeding taking flaxseed oil can add some much needed fat to your milk supply for your baby so it's a win/win situation with it. 

The Skinny Rules

So a friend of mine recommended a book to me called the flat belly diet book and I had looked up some stuff from it the other day and started making a list of foods I should be eating and snacks to get to replace my horrible habit of eating processed sugary snacks. I went grocery shopping yesterday with the intention of buying better and then picking up said book from Fred Meyers to find that they didn't have it and all they had was the diabetic's version in hard cover for way more then I wanted to spend. So I sat and stared at the books for a while and a book caught my eye called "The Skinny Rules, The 101 Secrets Every Skinny Girl Knows" I opened it up and instantly fell in love with the style of the book and it's no nonsense approach on how to do things a skinny girl would and lose weight and feel better. First rule "Believe you can be skinny" well that is pretty straight forward and funnily enough I hadn't even thought about doing that! The first rule talks about changing your attitude, if you have a defeatist's attitude you're going to defeat yourself. You have to believe you can be skinny before you will be. When I start looking back the reason I stopped working out and eating good was because I wasn't seeing the results I wanted and my attitude wasn't the greatest around the time I gave up. What's funny though is since I gave up I've actually lost a couple pounds eating like crap and not exercising as I predicted. I haven't really been eating THAT bad but I haven't been watching what I eat as closely and definitely am not breaking my back working out like I was and I'm seeing more results. I wonder why that is? Skip to skinny rule number 16: Splurge every day, reason: it helps to curb your cravings, making you less likely to let your craving build up to an uncontrollable binge. I know this is me! To a T! Plus it says think of it this way, if someone tells you that you can't have something, it makes you want it even more right? So those people who deprive themselves and say they can't have it want it more! Even if you really didn't want it at all in the first place, the junk foods or things you aren't supposed to eat become more desirable. I also like the rules: Get in the driver's seat and call on a co-pilot. Take control of your life, weight and health and get someone to help you (one person or a full on car full lol) Add family members and friends to your car as your co-pilots and call on them when you are having a tough time staying motivated when trying to lose weight. This is where you guys come in, you've seen my alter ego Negator. She is a mean old lady and turns everything into drama and makes me give up. When you see Negator slip in I need you guys to give me encouraging words, even if it's "don't give up! you can do this! I believe in you!" you have no idea how much that helps me when I get down in the dumps. Today is a new start, I'm going to follow rule number 28 "Play the pounds away" instead of thinking of exercise as I'm working out, I'm going to think of it as playing. Kids don't go to a playground or run around outside and go ok I'm going to workout for 30 mins, they just play. So this morning the game plan is to take the younger two kids and put them in a stroller and go for a walk with Gavin riding his bike and just enjoy being outside. It's just a walk, for fun! Because if I think of it as Work then I won't enjoy it right? Here's hoping changing the way I think about things will help me even more. Wish me luck!

It's a new day!

Ok so after some praying and pondering on what to do I decided 30 day shred was just not for me BUT I plan on trying a whole bunch of different videos and doing reviews on them for those of you like me who are trying to lose the baby weight or just get in shape and be healthy and I'll give tips on what has worked for me so far exercise and diet wise. Some of us don't have tons of time to workout between kids and housework so I'm going to rent a workout video from Netflix once every couple weeks (depending on if I like it) and I'll post a review.If anyone is interested I joined a site called "My Fitness Pal" http://www.myfitnesspal.com from a recommendation of a friend of mine and it's helping me already keep track of my food and exercise and when I lose weight I can track my weight loss. My e'mail is beeinyourbonnethats@hotmail.com, username: Wannaberedhead for those who want to join and add me as a friend, we can keep track of each other's progress and cheer each other on!

First review I'm starting with is the 30 day shred. I've had this video for months and have started and stopped it but I made it to 3 weeks before giving up on it because it's 20 lbs in 30 days claim is a bunch of hooey! Not that I was looking to lose that much but at least a pound or something? Now don't get me wrong, it is a good workout but anything that claims that much is just a joke. Jillian Michaels the famous Biggest Loser trainer has put together a video with 3 workouts with 3 difficulties. Anyone going in as a beginner will find that even the first one is hard! BUT it's a great workout and she is really good at getting you to push and not give up. If you're serious and push through you will improve in endurance and strength. That being said I did not lose a pound in the 3 weeks I did this workout, I changed my diet and nothing. I know I felt better, my clothes didn't really change as far as I can tell but I did feel my muscles being worked. I am sure lots of people get good results but for me it just wasn't the right workout for me. I think part of my issue is I need more cardio and less toning. After the first 10 days of workout 1 my endurance greatly improved. When I started I had to stop several times in the middle of it to catch my breath but at day 10 I could push through and felt good at the end of that workout. Workout two on the other hand was not as good, I had a really hard time with workout two, she incorporates a lot of pushups and plank position (holding yourself up in kind of a straight push up position and doing stuff with your legs) and that was really hard. I was able to do them but it really hurt and I believe all the up and down actually injured my left ankle slightly. From a lot of other people and reviews I've read this is common, the workout is open for a lot of injury. I never did end up doing workout three because two was hard and never got easier for me. After 3 weeks and no move of the scale I got fed up and stopped. I have started walking for an hour a day and continue with tracking my diet and eating healthier but 30 day shred just wasn't for me. Another unfortunate thing with this dvd is Jillian Michaels gets annoying at about the 3rd day and the workout that you are supposed to do for 10 days straight over and over gets boring too. I found I would turn down the sound and blast my own music and that would help but any video that you are expected to do every day for 10 days straight should have a few options so that it doesn't get boring, just my thought.

Now that that's done, revealing my new workout plan. I am sending in my 30 day shred video and going to exchange it for The Biggest Loser workout, the original first video just to try it out. Once that is done there is a couple other ones I've added to my que on Netflix. I'd like to try Tae Bo, when I was in high school I took a weights/aerobics class where we did Tae Bo and although it was tough at first, by the end of the semester I could do the advanced workout so I am looking forward to that, plus I love Billy Blanks, he's a great instructor and motivator. I plan on the days that I'm waiting for my new dvd to do some videos from the instant download session.

Today's video was 10 minute solutions: Kick boxing cardio. I did three sessions which ramped up my heartrate but at the same time the instructor moved too fast and didn't give enough time to make sure I had the moves down. Granted I know it's only 10 mins so they have to squeeze in as much as they can but still. I felt lost half the time and just did whatever modified move to keep my heartrate up. I also didn't like the fact that the instructor was really built, it worried me that if I did the moves she did I'd end up really bulky, when I only want toning and weight loss. Anywho that's all for today's review. I hope this helps someone and I look forward to my next workout and hopefully seeing results. I hope someone out there in blogger land is motivated by me, I really am trying despite my negativity and belly aching and as soon as I see results I hope it makes others get off the couch. It's hard but we can do it!

Just call me Negator

I love how when I'm feeling down on myself people around me take it personal. Like when their efforts to cheer me up fail that it's something against them. I'm sorry if everyone saying I look great doesn't always make me feel like it's true. This past week I gave up temporarily because I am frustrated and down on myself. A friend just told me she hadn't weighed herself in 2 weeks, changed her diet slightly, did some working out and when she weighed herself she lost 12 lbs! That's amazing! But you know that feeling you get when someone else has been doing awesome but you haven't? Yeah that little jealous monster . . . it's eating me up inside. I worked out every day for almost 3 weeks and nothing, not a pound. I'm feeling super defeated. Like I equate it to stuff in my life where I've had that feeling, like before I had my son and had miscarriage after miscarriage and everyone around me was getting pregnant. I felt like wow that's so awesome for you but I feel sad for me. It's not that I'm not happy for them I'm just jealous. My sister in law has nicknamed me Negator. I have the worst self loathing problem, I hate how my body is, I hate that I have to work 10 times harder then normal people to see any results, and I hate that I'm stuck. So now I'm at a standstill, wondering what I should do. Part of me knows that the reason I am at this point is because I'm weak, when things get hard and I don't see what I want to happen with my weight loss I give up. Because it's easy. Well it's not working so I may as well stop. I'm doomed to be this weight for the rest of my life is how I feel. My husband keeps trying to cheer me up and it just makes me worse. I don't mean to bring up his weight and how he's never been fat but it's hard. He hates his body, that it's ridden with MD and I understand that but his being skinny isn't only because of his MD, he got his mother's metabolism. How I wish I was "cursed" with the inability to gain weight. Being fat SUCKS! So I just wanted to let you guys know I'm not giving up, I'm just trying to figure out what to do next, because I'm kind of stumped. I'm not stopping because I'm totally done trying, I'm stopping because I quite literally don't know where to go and what to do with my exercise and diet. Obviously what I have been doing hasn't been working. I'm not going to try a fad diet or weird exercise program to see if it works because I'm breastfeeding and that's just not healthy. So I guess I'll let you know what I decide and go from there. If anyone wants to help me out by suggesting things I'm welcome to ideas, maybe someone out in blogger land lives in the area and can coach me through it because alone I'm obviously a lousy coach for myself. Thanks.


Sincerely,

Negator

What is the answer?

So today I'm befuddled. I don't understand how I can workout constantly for almost 3 weeks and eat right, drink lots of water and not have the scale move once. I haven't lost a pound, in fact at times I've magically gained weight. What is the key? I don't understand, is there a secret handshake or password that I just don't know. I'm adding in more cardio this week. Planning on walking for an hour straight every day after Spencer gets home from work, I started my own "my fitness pal" and I have a couple friends on there, dropping pounds and yet my scale doesn't move. It's becoming an extra discouraging factor in all this, people keep telling me gauge how your clothes fit, well my clothes don't seem to be fitting any better because I haven't lost any weight. Is it because I'm breastfeeding? is one question I've been wondering as of late. My fitness pal says I should consume 1200 calories a day for my weight loss goal but because I did extra exercise it gives me extra calories that I can consume so I think I was up to around 1776 calories I could take in yesterday which I think is a good amount but I'm not sure if that's what's impeding my weight loss. All I know is it makes things extra discouraging. Like yesterday I kept thinking to myself, knowing me I'd probably lose weight as soon as I started eating crappy again, that would just be my luck. Not that I'm going to experiment with the idea. I just don't understand my body. I am working my butt off quite literally and nothing gives. So if anyone has any insights please share. I really am stumped as to what to do to lose weight.

Day 16 - thoughts on Satan

So I skipped the weekend workouts which typically I'll do Saturday and take a break on the sabbath which isn't too bad right? Two day is way too long! It made it so much harder to do my workout so I'm never doing that again! So there's this dude that always gives me a hard time, his name is Satan and he's a big fat jerk. He's really pushing on me right now, right as I start to see some small results and really stick with a workout he hits me with all he's got. The key is trying to push him out of my head (cuz that's where he sneaks in and lurks waiting for that right moment to hit me with all he's got). Last few days have been frustrating. Father's day weekend we spent time at my in laws on Saturday, I had cut out most of the complex carbs and sugar and was having major withdrawals. Of course for Father's Day my father in law chooses a huge crazy Costco Apple Pie for his special dessert, I resisted surprisingly but I also had to almost bite off my husband's head beforehand. He got a piece and of course had to exclaim "Oh my gosh this is the best pie ever! mmmmm so good!" I responded with "Shut it! Just be quiet please!" It's like a crack addict sitting there with a whole pile of crack and resisting the urge to use and then someone else going "Oh man this crack is awesome! Oh it's the best I've ever had!" ok that may be a little dramatic but that's how it feels for me when I'm in the thick of detox. I itch for it! Anywho so that happened and then next day we went to my parent's for dinner and I was really good until dessert came around again, my dad had picked banana cream pie and my mom had a chocolate and vanilla amazing looking cake. I tried to resist but justified in my head, it's banana, it's healthier then the apple pie from yesterday, I'll just have a small piece and it'll be fine. In the drug addict's head it's like saying: "Well it's not crack it's just a little marijuana, not nearly as bad as that crack from yesterday I resisted so it's all good right?" yeah not so much. . . . I had the pie and it was fine, then my 5 year old asked for a piece of chocolate cake and some ice cream and only ate the ice cream and by the time he did that, his cousins were done theirs so he didn't want to eat it anymore. He then preceded to bring it to me and say "Mommy I'm done, you eat it k?" Stronger me would've said No! I had pie I'm good! But weaker me said "Hey you've already had the pie so you've already messed it up why not do a real good job at it" and that's what I did. Chocolate cake on top of pie and no workout for two days. So yesterday I did really well and worked out extra hard to make up for the missing my workout. Today is feeling discouraging again, I got up early to do my workout and have been stuck on the couch for a couple hours not wanting to do it. Today's internal monologue has been about not seeing huge results and not seeing the scale move at all. He's telling me it's not working and to give up but I know that's a lie and I just gotta convince myself it's worth it to do this workout. He's hitting me hard, I need to hit back. So it's almost 9:00 and I gotta get my kids up which is going to make it even harder to do my workout but that's ok. It will get done today. I can do this!